Sex isn't always enjoyable for women...say what?!
Many women report low desire,
Many women have difficulty reaching orgasm,
Many women are embarrassed about their bodies,
Many women have pain during sex!
If this resonates with you, you are not alone! I invite you to read on for some of my tips for more enjoyable sex...
Tip # 1: Tune into your breath. Follow your inhales and exhales. Do this in an observing, non-judgmental way. Then notice your partner's breath. Try matching your breath with your partner's breath. This can create greater connection between the two of you, as you will be breathing in sync with each other.
Tip # 2: Pay attention to your body sensations. Be Mindful. Now that you are aware of your breath, notice if you feel any areas of tension or tightness. Gently allow these areas to soften and relax with each exhale. Notice your body temperature. If it feels cold then turn up the heat, add a blanket, or tell your partner to warm you up with body heat. Too hot? Then take some layers off or turn on a fan. Notice your partners touch and enjoy how your body responds. If there is something that you do not like, gently guide your partner to do something different. Something you do like? Then respond by moving your body in a way that invites more of it, and use your breath or be vocal about what you like, such as moaning, or simply asking for what you want. This often heightens your arousal and your partners arousal. What else do you notice? By being mindful about your experience, you stay in the present moment, which will enhance your pleasure and your connection to your partner.
Tip # 3: Have your partner give you a massage! Heck yes! This gets you into relaxation mode. Being stressed and having a million thoughts race through your mind is not sexy. How many of you have thought about your to do list while engaging in sex? I have. So get into a relaxed position, have your partner use your favourite oil or lotion, and enjoy your massage. I would recommend doing this, or some other relaxing activity, for 20 minutes prior to sex. If sex doesn't come after the massage....no problem. Not having the expectation will decrease the pressure on you and your partner. Which leads to my next tip...
Tip # 4: Stop being too hard on yourself. Us women, live in a man's world, and as women, we must be physically and mentally ready for intimacy. Our sexual desire is not just a switch we can turn on and off. By decreasing the expectation that you "should" want and have sex more, or that you "should" orgasm, you will decrease the pressure on yourself, and will be able to enjoy intimacy more. By following the other tips, with less expectation, you will have increased sexual arousal.
Tip # 4: KEGELS. Kegels are pelvic floor muscle strengthening exercises. By doing these you will increase blood flow to your yoni, and by having strong muscles "down there" you will intensify your orgasms. Can I get a heck yeah!!!
Tip # 5: Lubricate. Often, postpartum and peri and post-menopausal women experience vaginal dryness, as a result of hormonal changes, namely decreased estrogen. Using lubrication can decrease vaginal dryness and decrease pain with vaginal penetration. I typically recommend a paraben-free unscented lubricant, or avocado oil, but choose what is best for you body.
Tip # 6: Act Sexy. I had to add in this tip because too many women feel embarrassed about, or hide their bodies. This may come from low self-esteem or from our childhood experiences. Whatever the reason, I want you to act sexy. Embrace your natural sexuality. Perhaps wear clothes or undergarments that make you feel good, or send your partner a naughty sext. If you act sexy long enough, you will start to feel sexy, and that is a huge turn on!
Tip # 7: Novelty. Try something new. When we have been in a relationship for a long time, things can get, well, stagnant. So shake things up a bit and try something new. Try a new location, role play, use a blindfold, or experiment with other tools or positions. If you decide you don't like something, no problem, try something else. Adding novelty is sure to add more "ahhh ahhh ahhh" to your sex life.
Well there you have it folks! I am by no means a sex expert, but I come across issues like these on a daily basis, and it is important that you know these are common concerns and that there is help :)
On a side note, if you experience pain with sex, then please speak with your healthcare provider. A pelvic health physiotherapist is a great place to start, as often, the pelvic floor muscles are too tight. A pelvic health physio will help increase your pelvic awareness, and give you strategies, to help you relax and lengthen your pelvic floor muscles. It is also possible that you have past sexual trauma. In this case, you may benefit by speaking with a counselor who has specialized training in this area.
Reach out if you have any questions,
Happy Humping ;)